Kingdom Hearts Weakest Link
by Sorceror Nobody
Summary: Ten characters competing for up to 27500 Munny. Ever wondered what would happen if Weakest Link did Kingdom Hearts? Now you can find out! Rated T in case of possible language and probable violence. This fic is set after KHII with some CoM characters.
1. Welcome to the Weakest Link!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. Well, I do own the games, but no legal rights to the franchise. I also don't own the Weakest Link.

A/N: Just to make it clear, the questioner is Anne Robinson. It would have been Maleficent or something, but Anne would probably object, and even Maleficent would back off in that situation. The "voice" that says who is 'statistically' the strongest and weakest link (etcetera) is going to be replaced by the one that tells Sora and Roxas stuff in the Stations of Dive into the Heart.

* * *

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Weakest Link!

A/N: I can't remember all of the stuff that the "voice" says at the start. You know, when it shows all the contestants in that waiting room type thing. So I'll leave it out for now. If I see Weakest Link anytime soon, I'll make a note of it, so I'll probably update and put it in eventually. Oh, and the same goes for any other stuff that happens before the contestants introduce themselves.

As in the normal Weakest Link, the contestants' podiums light one by one as they introduce themselves. The first contestant introduces himself.

"Hi, my name is Sora, and I'm fifteen years old. I come from the Destiny Islands, and I'm one of the chosen bearers of the Keyblade."

The next contestant:

"Hello, I'm Riku. I'm sixteen years old and am one of Sora's best friends. I am also from Destiny Islands. I am also a Keybearer, but I also have a part-time occupation as a Xehanort's Heartless impersonator."

Thirdly:

"I'm Kairi, and I am fifteen years old. I am also a resident of Destiny Islands, although I am native to the Radiant Garden. I am Sora's girlfriend, but I am a part-time Keybearer as well."

The fourth contestant:

"Hi, my name is Mickey. I am yet another Keybearer, and also the ruler of Disney Castle. In my spare time, I study martial arts videos to improve my super-ninja-mouse techniques as seen in Kingdom Hearts II."

The fifth contestant now introduces himself.

"I'm Leon."

There are shouts from the audience of "He's lying!" and "His name's Squall!" before the rest of the audience shushes them. Leon continues talking.

"I'm from Radiant Garden, formerly known as Hollow Bastion, and I am a member of the town's Restoration Committee."

After Leon falls silent, we see the sixth contestant.

"Hello, my name is Aeris Gainsborough. A lot of people seem to spell my name as 'Aerith' for some bizarre reason, but that's not important right now. I also live in Radiant Garden, and am Cloud Strife's love interest"

There is booing from Cloud-Tifa shippers in the audience in response to this. After a moment, the audience settles down. But then, considering who the next contestant is, they aren't going to want to keep interrupting…

"Sephiroth"

As Sephiroth says his name, _One-Winged Angel_ starts playing. The technical crew frantically examine all of their equipment, but are unable to find where the music is coming from. Meanwhile, Sephiroth is still introducing his überness…

"I am one of Shin-Ra corporation's elite warriors, SOLDIER First Class. I have more recently, in the Kingdom Hearts series, become a persistent stalker of Cloud Strife. I am also undeniably the coolest video game villain ever."

Who can possibly match up to Sephy's coolness? Certainly not the next contestant:

"My name is Marluxia, number XI in the Organization and…hang on, can someone stop that music please?"

_One-Winged Angel_ stops, much to Sephiroth's annoyance. Marluxia continues.

"I am known as the Graceful Assassin and control the element of Flower."

Much sniggering ensues, both from the audience and the other contestants. Even Anne is briefly seen to smile. Amazing, isn't it? Meanwhile, Marluxia is, alas, still talking.

"I possibly also controlled some obscure type of nobody that doesn't exist anymore, and I am the ruler of Castle Oblivion."

At this point, _One-Winged Angel_ quietly resumes. This now seriously pisses off Marluxia. Well, that plus the sniggering.

"SEPHIROTH, SHUT UP!"

_One-Winged Angel_ stops once again. Sephiroth glares at Marluxia, who promptly cowers behind his podium to escape the sight of the Masamune-wielding übervillain. Finally, we are shown the ninth contestant.

"I'm Axel, number VIII in the Organization, the Flurry of Dancing Flames, controller of Assassin nobodies and the element of Fire, friend of Roxas, and definitely one of the coolest and most popular members of the Organization."

Amazingly, Axel manages to say all of the above rather rapidly, all in one sentence. He very briefly pauses for breath before saying:

"Got it memorised?"

The tenth and final podium lights. It is Roxas's, but there is nobody (no pun intended) behind it. Suddenly, Sora runs across and stands behind it. His head falls forward and he appears to go into some sort of trance before speaking with Roxas's voice.

"I'm Roxas, number XIII in the Organization, and Sora's nobody. I control Samurai nobodies and the element of Light. My title in the Organization is The Key of Destiny, as I wield two Keyblades. Since I was restored to Sora in Kingdom Hearts II, he has to project my persona, as he is doing right now, in order for me to answer my questions. Unfortunately for him, it'll involve a lot of running back and forth, but it can't be helped. Not while the author's determined that I should be a contestant, anyway."

_At this point, Sorceror Nobody takes a brief moment to chuckle evilly, before continuing to write the end of this chapter._

Sora's head jerks back up. He stands looking slightly dazed for a moment before swiftly returning to his own podium.

A/N: I think there's more talky stuff here, so same note as above applies. Sorry about this, but I'll try and sort it out fairly soon.

* * *

There you have it folks! The first chapter is complete. Reviews are, of course, welcome. Each reviewer may make one question suggestion per chapter for the next round of the game, so you all have until I write and upload the next chapter. The reviewer whose question I like the most gets the prize of their question appearing in the following chapter. Good luck!

Update 1: Altered the Fic's format to make it less like a script, so as to remain within the relevant regulations.

Update 2: Had some small problems with the previous update's alterations not occurring, so I deleted and recreated my fanfic. Apologies to both of my reviewers, who will hopefully be willing to re-review this chapter.

Update 3: Small tweaks, nothing worth detailing.


	2. Round One

DISCLAIMER: I still don't own anything. Not even, say, a copy of 358/2 Days, but hopefully that will change come autumn…

**OMIGOSH**, a new chapter? Really? Nah, don't get too excited, I'm still going to keep labelling the fic as being on hiatus unless I manage put out a third chapter within a decently short time after this one.

And yes, all of the chapter titles do suck (apart from the first one). But what else can I call them, really? Oh, and don't expect KH-only questions. You can expect to see questions relating to Final Fantasy, as well as anything else that I fancy putting in that I can make even the weakest case of relevance for (so probably The World Ends With You), and probably the occasional random one out of nowhere that I throw in just for kicks.

Most of the speech should be pretty clear because it alternates between Anne and whoever's turn it is. I felt that explicitly including all the proper grammar and so on for '"blah blah", said X person' would drag down the pace, and it's hard enough as it is to convey the whole 'fast-paced with a time limit' thing. I suppose it's worth clarifying that the Munny scale goes 50, 100, 250, 500, 750, 1000, 1500, 2000, 2500. It takes a chain of nine answers to reach the top, and of course the maximum prize fund is 27500. Which isn't all that much in Munny terms, come to think of it...

* * *

Chapter 2: Round One

A/N: Guess what? Insert any relevant talking stuff here. I really should watch the show and jot this lot down sometime…

"In round one, you have three and a half minutes on the clock. We'll start with the player whose name is first alphabetically; that's Axel. Let's play… the Weakest Link! Axel: in mathematics, what is Zexion plus Vexen?"

"Er… Luxord"

"Correct. Roxas…"

There is a couple of seconds' pause as Sora runs across and enters the trance.

"…Roxas: The universal currency is called what; Munny, or Hunny?"

"Munny"

"Correct. Sora…"

Another pause as Sora runs back over to his own podium.

"…the little blue friendly alien in Final Fantasy VIII is called what; Paopou or PuPu?"

"PuPu?"

"Correct. Riku: Which drawing in the Secret Place is crossed out?"

"The… chocobo?"

"Correct. Kairi: the lucky charm used as the Oathkeeper's keychain is made of what?"

"Thalassa shells"

"Correct. Mickey: Who could most reasonably be said to have invented the Gummi Ship?"

"Welp, that would be me, I think"

"Correct. Leon: what is the name of the token airship in Final Fantasy X-2?"

"How the hell would I know! Erm… the Celsius?"

"Correct. Aeris: Two men walk into a bar, and one says to the other…?"

"Ouch?"

"Correct. Sephiroth…"

"Bank"

As he says this, One-Winged Angel starts to play again, but Anne glares at Sephiroth and it stops immediately.

"…which Final Fantasy villain is probably the second most popular after you?"

"Kefka Palazzo"

"Correct. Marluxia: which Organization XIII member is most frequently ridiculed, especially for their hair colour, and for the element they control?"

"That would be… hey, wait a minu-"

"No, the correct answer is Marluxia. Axel: the crossed branches of the Heartless Emblem have how many thorns on them?"

"Is it eight?"

"Correct. Roxas…"

Sora runs over, nearly tripping on the step up to the podium.

"…the names of members of Organization XIII have what feature in common?"

"They're xagranams?"

"I'll accept. Sora: the voice actor who portrays Axel is Quinton who?"

(Out of breath) "Voice actor? What's a voice act-"

"The correct answer is Quinton Flynn. Riku: What feature do Sephiroth and yourself have in common?"

"Silver hair"

"No, green eyes"

As the camera moves onto Kairi, we see Riku with a "WTF!" expression, wildly pointing between his own hair and Sephiroth's.

"Kairi: which character sometimes refers to Sora as a 'lazy bum'?"

"Me"

"Correct. Mickey…"

"Bank"

"…which type of Heartless is used to make the most flavoursome ice-cream?"

Mickey is speechless with confusion for several seconds, as is everyone else currently visible on camera.

"Erm… Icy Cube…?"

"No, the answer is Rare Truffle. Leon: the famous Haley Joel Osment quote 'I see dead people' is most appropriate when referring to which Radiant Garden resident?"

"What? Er… pass"

"The correct answer is Aeris Gainsborough"

As the camera moves onto Aeris, we see her saying, "Wait, what?"

"Aeris: why do all of Nomura's character designs have something large about them, whether it be their sword or their anatomy?"

"Because… they're compensating for something?"

This remark earns her a glare from Sephiroth

"No, the correct answer is that Nomura is probably compensating for something"

At this, virtually the entire audience falls out of their seats laughing.

"Sephiroth: the Calamity from the Skies is better known by what name?"

"Mother"

"No, the correct answer is Jenova"

Sephiroth starts to protest that his answer was correct, but a quick glance from Anne shuts him up. Even Sephiroth is scared of Anne Robinson, dont'cha know?

"Marluxia: the name of which character is the reverse of one of the two companies responsible for creating the Kingdom Hearts franchise?"

"Er… Xine Erauqs?"

Everyone just stares at him incredulously. The sound of crickets chirping is heard until Sephiroth steps on Jiminy to shut him up. The timer hasn't stopped, and only has about ten seconds left by the time Anne regains the power of speech.

"No, the correct answer is Yen Sid. Time's up, and at the end of that round you have banked 2550 Munny, which must be limited to 2500. You actually had a chain of nine correct answers, which was broken with a Bank after the eighth one."

Everyone glares at Sephiroth, who merely responds by flipping them off.

"Who's lacking their basic Kingdom Smarts? Which one of you confuses Gummi Blocks with Gummi Bears? It's time to vote off who you think is the Weakest Link"

_**The Weakest Link in this round is Marluxia, with no correct answers. The strongest link is Kairi, but will the votes reflect the facts?**_

While the voice says this, we see Sora in the background run across to Roxas's podium and write a name before running back to his own podium.

"It's time to reveal who you think is the Weakest Link"

The camera pans across the contestants in turn, starting with Sora, and the votes are as follows: Marluxia, Marluxia, Marluxia, Marluxia, Marluxia, Marluxia, Marluxia, Sephiroth, Marluxia and Marluxia. Sephiroth glares threateningly at Marluxia, who immediately begins erasing the name on his board in the vain hope of being spared. He's erased about half of it when Anne speaks to him, making him jump and drop his board.

"Marluxia, pick your board up. Now, why do you have pink hair?"

"Because I was made that way"

"So you believe in a God who created you, do you?"

"No, I'm talking about Tetsuya Nomura's character design"

As he says this, three uniformed nonentities, each with the Sorceror Nobody emblem emblazoned on their lapels, run in and start to haul Marluxia away. These are Acolyte Nobodies, and are here as my Control Troops. In this particular instance, they are currently performing one of their many duties: to prevent unauthorised breaches of the fourth wall. The only time the fourth wall is allowed to be broken is in answering questions, although myself and Anne are obviously exempt from the rule and can break the fourth wall as much as we want at all times. As Marluxia is dragged away, Anne says,

"Marluxia, you are the Weakest Link. Goodbye."

Cut to Marluxia's soliloquy:

"I knew this would happen. Nobody likes me. I should have known this was a setup as soon as Larxene suggested I apply to get on the show. Serious words will be had when I get back to Castle Oblivion. I think Sephiroth should go next, because he's an arrogant long-haired pretty-boy."

* * *

I know. It's incredible. I actually worked up the drive to make a second chapter after all this time. Maybe it's a bit of leftover urge to write after I recently completed my Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates Walkthrough. Who knows? At least now I don't feel so daunted by the prospect of continuing this fic. Chapter three _may_ arrive sooner than anyone, even me, expects it to (which in this case means ever, to be fair).

Remember to R&R people! I need encouragement! You know you want to see more, and reviews will up the odds of you getting it!

By the way, if you're wondering about the word "xagranam", it's a word I invented some time ago. A xagranam is an anagram with an X added, and of course the word "xagranam" is a xagranam of anagram. This is, of course, precisely the method by which Organization members are named. You heard it here first folks (unless of course you found out from my KHWiki userpage, or from me directly, before now).

Update: I should point out that I wrote the "Xine Erauqs" question well before the Birth By Sleep character Master Eraqus was revealed. Just so you know. Also, I've "fixed" the error I made on the Munny total; more details on this at the end of the next chapter.

Update 2: One other thing: The previously unnamed Control Troops are now identified as "Acolyte Nobodies" :P


	3. Round Two

DISCLAIMER: I _still_ don't own anything... although I do have 358/2 Days, and will be getting Birth By Sleep soon. Good times.

* * *

Chapter 3: Round Two

A/N: I think you know by now not to expect the requisite talking here, right?

"In round two, ten seconds are taken off the clock, meaning that you have three minutes and twenty seconds. We'll start with the strongest link from the last round; that's Kairi. Let's play… the Weakest Link! Kairi: Is Snow White a Princess of Heart or of Fart?"

Kairi takes a moment to process that Anne did actually say fart. It's really quite hard to believe, but she recovers quickly and says, "Princess of Heart"

"Correct. Mickey: If someone is mocking something, they are said to be taking the what?"

"Mickey."

"No, the correct answer is taking the piss. Leon: Lightning of Final Fantasy XIII uses a weapon called a Gunblade. In what way does it differ from yours?"

"It actually functions as a gun as well as a sword"

"Correct. Aeris: Which Final Fantasy character's name was allegedly mistranslated in the initial western release, a so-called mistake which later resulted in a totally unnecessary and highly undesirable retcon?"

"Um... me?"

"Correct. Sephiroth: Which Final Fantasy final boss theme is the longest ever recorded in the history of the Final Fantasy series?"

Sephiroth scowls, clearly wanting the answer to be One-Winged Angel, but he grudgingly gives his answer as "Dancing Mad" instead.

"Correct. Axel: How many members of Organization XIII still have not had the names of their original selves revealed?"

"Uh... four."

"Correct. Roxas..."

This time, Sora has taken the precaution of moving to Roxas's podium early.

"Bank."

"...how many Kairi lookalikes have been seen in the Kingdom Hearts series so far?"

Sparing only enough time to finish giving the answer as "One", Sora immediately starts back towards his own podium, determined to be able to catch his breath for a change.

"No, the correct answer is two. Sora: The Paopu fruit has what property?"

"If two people share it, their destinies are forever tied together."

"No, it's actually just a very potent aphrodisiac. Riku: What is Rikku's cousin's name?"

Predictably enough, Riku misses the very slight difference in pronunciation.

"I don't have any cou..."

"The correct answer is Yuna. Kairi: Why are you so damn useless?"

"Because I fit into the 'Hero's love interest' cliché?"

"Correct. Mickey: Who is the next coolest mouse after you?"

There is quite a long pause before Mickey finally comes up with an answer.

"Dangermouse?"

"Correct. Leon: What is the origin of the concept of 'Pandora's Box', after which the Lunatic Pandora is named?"

"Greek Mythology."

"Correct. Aeris: Give two examples of amusing anagrams of your father's name."

"Um... Fat-ass Grime... and... Aeris Fags (TM)."

"Correct. Sephiroth: In Dissidia Final Fantasy, which of the villains breaks the fourth wall by humming the Victory Fanfare? "

The keen observer will, at this point, notice a vein pulsing just above Sephiroth's eye. The sensible observer might decide to take cover. "...Kefka."

"Correct. Axel: If McDonalds were to produce a dessert item based on you, what would it most likely be called?"

In the pause before Axel answers, Sora moves to Roxas's podium.

"The... McFlurry of Dancing Flames?"

"Correct. Roxas: What combination of Panels must be equipped in order to dual-wield Oathkeeper and Oblivion in Mission Mode?"

"Zero Gear and three Ability units."

"Correct. Sora..."

Due to the length of the previous answer, Sora doesn't have time to get to his podium early, and is therefore once again slightly out of breath.

"...how many times have you tried to get Donald to damn well wear some trousers?"

"OVER NINE THOUSAND!"

_Even Sorceror Nobody was beginning to wonder how long it would be before he put a meme in. It was inevitable, really, and it definitely won't be the only one._

"I'll accept. Riku: Where the hell are all the adults on Destiny Islands?"

_Seriously, it's a good question. We only __hear__ Sora's mother briefly in Kingdom Hearts, and thats it. Do Sora's father and Riku's parents even exist? We can surmise that Selphie's don't, because she was raised in that pathetic excuse for a backstory known as Edea's Orphanage. Wakka's were killed by Sin, and Jecht is probably off playing Blitzball or something. As for Tidus's mother... ah, who cares about all this anyway? Let's just get on with the fanfic, shall we?_

"They don't exist until Nomura decides that they do."

"Correct."

_At this point, the fanfare (or whatever you want to call it) is heard._

"That completes a chain of nine correct answers, meaning that your total prize fund is now 5000 Munny. Whose world's average IQ will drop when they go home? Who thinks that a Xigbar is somewhere to buy alcohol? It's time to vote off who you think is the Weakest Link"

_**The Weakest Link in this round is Mickey, with one wrong answer and a lot of lost time when answering questions. The strongest link is Leon, but who will the players vote for?**_

"It's time to reveal who you think is the Weakest Link"

As the camera pans across, the votes are more varied than in the previous round. Sora, Riku, Axel and Roxas have voted for Mickey, while Kairi and Mickey have voted for Riku. Leon and Sephiroth have voted for Sora, and Aeris has voted for Axel.

"Kairi, why have you voted for Riku?"

"Well... it's just that... well, I've heard a lot of rumours that Sora is actually gay for Riku."

At this point, both Sora and Riku's jaws hit the floor with an audible clang. Their looks of utter incredulity are absolutely priceless. Meanwhile, Anne continues...

"Oh, really? Who told you that?"

"Well, a couple of my female friends read a lot of stuff on the internet, and..."

Anne interrupts. "So basically, you heard it from a load of yaoi fanfiction."

Sora and Riku seem immeasurably relieved by this explanation, while Kairi hangs her head, blushing a little. Anne now turns to pick on someone else.

"Why have you voted for Axel, Aeris?"

"He has the wrong kind of spiky hair for my tastes. He sounds like one of the Turks, too, and I'm not exactly keen on the Shin-Ra company."

Anne doesn't press the issue any further. "The actual weakest link was Mickey, and he also has the most votes. You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"

Cut to Mickey's soliloquy:

"Welp, I'm slightly surprised to have gone out so early, but I did have quite a bad round. I wish the others the best of luck. Apart from Sephiroth, that is. I don't know exactly what it is about him, but I just don't like him at all."

* * *

A third chapter! O.o It's partly due to a friend on the Final Fantasy Wiki who asked me when an update could be expected. That gave me the incentive to write this whole chapter from scratch in the space of just under two hours. See, I told you all, R&R _does_ get me to work faster! Thanks, Bond em7!

There has been a minor change to the previous chapter in light of the release of certain character information from Birth By Sleep.

I've also realised that I made a slight error in the Munny total. It was 2550, which is impossible because when the banked amount reaches the maximum, even if not by a full chain, the round ends. However, since I don't want to have to rewrite a chunk at the end of the chapter, I've put in a small "explanatory" line. Basically, I'm saying that this version of the Weakest Link works slightly differently from the real one. If you have a problem with that, tough! :P

Update: Quick question: what do you think a supreme transcendental nonentity can do with MS Paint and a few Chain of Memories sprites?

ht tp: / / i7 59 . pho tobu cket . co m / albums / xx238 / SorcerorNobody / KHWLJawdrop . pn g? t= 1282851355

Update 2: Since the above URL was "broken" last time (presumably a deliberate act of sabotage to prevent external linking or something), I've restored it. However, as a failsafe, I've added a spaces to break up the parts of the URL that this site seems to be picking up on. Simply copy and paste it into your browser's address bar, and remove all 25 spaces.


End file.
